another day.. another pound.

I am only one Lbs lighter.
I am now 105.8 lbs.
It sucks I stayed 106 for about a week.
I think it was because of my working out so I have decided i really need to cut it down.
I am still going to do yoga every day but instead of doing abs and legs palitis and running I am going to alternate days with them.

It has been so cold here lately so running is actually going to be out of teh picture soon.With my lung problems its hard wnough to breath in cold weather and i cant add to it by running.
I have been jogging in place for an hour while I watch TV for last two days since its been so cold but i never feel like that helps.

Yesterday I did not eat anything i was on the couch all day and felt like a sick slob. I was sick.. actually.
I woke up with a killer headach and my stomach felt like i got kicked repeatedly in my sleep.
On friday i did not eat at all and then Saturday I didnt eat until about 6 o clock and i guess i sort of binged..
I had pizza and brownies and some mac and cheese.. I was able to puke it up since my Husband was working.
I dont like making myself puke.. i much rather not eat but lately i have been so tempted and so weak..
I wish sometimes that I could just eat normally.. but when i allow myself something I cant stop until I eat everything that looks good and my tummy hurts that i have to puke..
Even after i puke I get the thoughts..
I think about how fat I am, i think about how gross I look, and will look if ever eat how most people do. I think about my family and how they look and weigh... it scares me.
I think about My husbands ex who is ALWAYS coming around.. I think about how gorgeous she is and that the only thing i have over her is that she is fat and I am smaller.. She is really Fat.. like sometimes i cant look at her because it makes my stomach turn. SHe used to small like I am but she let herself go and I am afraid if i ever look like her My husbandw ill have no reason to want me.. and maybe he will want her back or maybe he will just leave me for some new skinny bitch.
I think about how I want to look in mirrior and like what i see not stare at the places where fat has gathered...
I just know that with each bite of food I eat I am making myself ugly and less attractive..
I just wish i could go back to the days when i  could eat and not hate myself..
I think if i tried i could do it for a day or two.. but then i would just end up even more mad at myself for letting myself eat and look disgusting...
I wonder if when i am 100 LBs if Ill like myslef then or if ill just want to be smaller... I wonder when Ill be able to eat with friends and not throw up.. or not obsess over calorie intake and how much i will have to excercise to work it off if i dont want to puke..
I dont know what would be easier to face the thoughts and force myself to eat or to keep doing what I am doing??
I know deep down that I am not ready to change. I have been through this before and I wouldnt be back to this place if i was.
I just wish I could be smaller right now so I'd know..
well 5 LBs to go.. i know i wont reach it by the 1st like i entended to before so i have extended it to januray 1st.
5 Lbs in 5  weeks...
that is reasonable.. espeacially since i cant really run.
well i am going to go christmas shopping right now..
we are hosting christmas eve at our home this year and im soooo excited to have everyone here so see what I am putting together.

I am setting up tables in the dinning room for all the food and in the living room will be the big tree and tables for gifts. I think i might turn to second guest room into a sitting area too.. We have three bedrooms in our home and right now the guest room has a couch and Tv but i think i will decorate it as well so people can be in there too..
My hubby already put up the xmas lights and i decorated the fireplace already.. christmas is my favorite holliday so i am soooo excited!!!!