New Year New Life.

Wow... It has been so long.

in the last 8 months I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy.
I actually spent the last part of pregnancy not caring that I had balloned to 146.7 lbs.
I thought I'd be able to maintain my health and not go back to the secret life I had before, but that was quickly shattered.


My Husband was cheating and I found out 5 days after giving birth. Details way to painful to include at this moment.

For a week he actually was with the girl and took our kids around her and did not want me anymore...

Depression: Its a weird thing. How I can feel so crappy and start looking so good. I Lost 20 lbs. in the first three weeks after having the baby. I couldnt eat. I actually went 13 days on water and picking at small salads.

Awakening: The weight was gone, and then he wanted me back....

Conclusion: I will NEVER get fat again!!!!!

I have been breast feeding for the last 5 months so I have been trying to not go over board with my obsession, but I realized the only time I am not thinking about how I hate my husband and what he did is when I am worried about the caloric intake of the day.

Slowly I have slipped back into my old, comforting habits.
Slowly I am falling inlove with my husband again.
Slowly I am finding my body more and more disgusting.

I know if it was not for my sons I would not be here. Not with my Husband, not in the world at all probably.

I know I have to be here for them, but I feel too apart of the world. Like I am taking up too much space..

I havent weighed myself in three weeks and the last time I did I was 113.

Tomorrow the scale comes out of storage, and so begins my journey to a healthy and beautiful weight.


Goal 1-102 LBS. By April 1st.

I want to love my body and gain my confedence, some sort of self adorance verses the loathing I have now.

Sooo Day 1 food log:

• 1 cup spinach salad ( No dressing) .25 tomato and 3 slices of celery
• 8 0z. Diet Cranberry juice
• Fruit and veggie smoothie ( three snap peas- .25 banana - 5 black berries- 2 strawberries)
• 1 cup of coffee ( sugar and creamer)

I have so much on my mind, this is probably the best place and best way to sift through it all and figure out where to go from here.

I thought my life was planned and secure. Now I know its not and the things I so firmly believed have been uprooted.

I am not sure I love my Husband, or want to be married.
I am not sure i am where I am meant to be anymore....

I know I am a Mother and want to, need to be and am a good mother.

My Kids are my world, and I am trying to figure out if I can be the mother I want to be and give them the life they deserve married to their father....

so many fucking thoughts jumping to my fingertips.. I probably sound crazy..

I am.

Well..

So goes another day in the life of me...

Blah blah blah

Soo... Still fighting the thought. Stupid fucking nurse.. I was doing good and loving being able to see my baby growing and somehow her words have turn Blake's bump into something hideous.
the weirdest thing is that everyone i know.. even people who dont know about my eating disorder keep saying how small i look.
and that i have not started to show at all.. so why do i see big thighs fatty back and beastly stomach?
is it really just my head...
i feel crazy.
well since last week ive been restricting..
not fasting just counting counting counting..
on easter i turned into some sort of wild animal and ate so much ham and greenbeans and potatoes i almost died.

monday i ate pretty good two small slices of veggie pizza on whole wheat flatbread
and for dinner i ate a cup and a half of veggies chicken and noodles.
today i had yogurt and fruit for brkfast a few bits of my left over chicken and veggies.. but i went for a walk on my lunch break so i didnt eat very much. and dinner i ate a tuna sandwhich with spinach green peppers olives tomato and cucumber on herb wheat bread...
i went for a half hour walk after...
i did however come home and eat more tuna..
which ended with me in the bathroom puking..
im crazy but i tried to judge the amount so that it was just the second sandwich i let up...
now i feel like the worse mother alive... i love Blake.. i really do. so tomorrow i will eat for him... i really will.
im supposed to be consuming 3000 cals a day..
idk how im supposed to do that i barely handle 1500 without needing to cry...
6 meals a day... i think 3 small ones is okay for now...
ahhh my mind wont stop...

Its been a while.....

Its been a few months since ive posted because i have been scared too...

I am now almost 5 months pregnant and was trying to do all i could to keep out of my anorexic mind set for the sake of my little alien...

I am carrying a healthy baby boy who will be named Blake andrew... i love him so muc and the love i have for him has been making me eat.

well my family is now aware of my relapse into my ed... my husband knows now and i felt so ashamed and scared that they would take it away forever.
i am not allowed to work out and have been eating to help my blake and now i sit at my desk at work a disgusting 117 lbs.
i want to die....
i keep having to run to the bathroom and cry...
im so upset....
and no one gets it.
i have not even started to show really but i see these lbs and they make me sick.

i need some help...
the only thing that has eased my mind is the thought of holding blake and knowing my ana will be back in full force in a few months...

that was until today.. i caught myself already planning my fast after labor and then calculating how long it will take to get to 106 lbs and then where my goal will be from there...
ive set my sights on a goal of 98. that seems alright for now..

the hard thing is today and tmrw and everyday until sept. and i cant do this.

i have fallen from my high horse and landed dead center on a scale that yells im fat.
im going to try and keep my weight gain to 10 lbs over the next four and a half months... and when i total how mush the scale will say then i already want to cry.

so here it goes the pregnant anorexic and her journey...

may 4 - no more than 118.6
a lbs every two weeks.. that is half of what i shud be doing.

funny a few months ago i was dropping two lbs a week...
this is a sick fucking twisted world.... or at least it is where im sitting.

Too much guilt?

Sooo for the last two days all i have eaten is a 2 cups of chopped celery with tapitio ontop.. Its has 0 cals and is really good...
But anyways i wokr uptoday and thght i cud go 48 hors no food.. But now im started to feel dizzy.
I wanna keep going feel the rush. I thrive for this hunger.... But then again i need to function for now.
I feel so guilty eating even celery...
Should i?
Wtf do i...
I wanna be thin and i even keep saying ill burn an extra 20 cals today to be safe but i cant eat it....
Something has me glued to this couch.
Idk... Maybe ill eat at somepoint.

My husband has seemed worried. Yesterday was tough and he kept texting me all day from work to tell me loves me..
I think thats why i didnt give up and give into my head.

He got home from kissed me snuggled me told be i looked beautiful. He rubbed his hands up and down my body saying he loves it. He gave me more attention than he has in what seems like forever..
He just kept asking me if i was okay and saying i was perfect.

Idk.. Maybe he is noticing theres something wrong....
He told me he wud do anything for me even die.... I told him id do anything for him... I though even live... I did that today.

Well i think i decided i dont need to eat :)

Today, tomorrow, who gives a fuck.

Sooo weird morning.
First thought i had when i woke up was i dont like i wanna be here anymore.
I laid in bed for an hour thinking about killing myself.
I dont know if i am ever going to but the thought seems nice today.
I cant handle being in my skin anymore.
I hate my body... The way my thighs just wont shrink.
I hate my face... Its just boring and plain.
I hate my skin... I stare in the mirrior for ever looking at the disgusting marks my lupus has given me.
I hate my hair... I wish it was long and smooth... I spend hours straightening it coloring it teasing it curling it and i still feel like i have a nappy gros afro.
I hate my breast... Constantly changing changing. Small large swollen and sore.
I hate my legs... Not long enough not thin enough.
I hate me arms... Flab flab flab.
I hate my stomach... Discolored and fat. Its too big. I dont eat and when i do i purge it yet somehow its still big.
I hate my back.. I can grab skin.. Or fat with my fingers. I pinch it hard until it my fingers hurt.
I hate me... Unhappy ugly fat and i know im a bad wife and mother.
Wes is always mad at me. We fight. Im lazy he says.. I cant pull myself to get out of bed. I lay in it for hours while he is gone. He says all i do is work out make music and hang out with friends. He doesnt get why i dont cook anymore or why doing dishes makes my skin crawl.
I try with our son so badly but how can i be a good example when im like this. How can i teach him to love himself when i dont. How will he ever know truth and happiness when i lie and cry and fight and hate myself.
Im 20 years old married to an amazing man. Mother to a beautiful boy and i cant be happy.
I thank god alot that jayden... Our son is biologically mine i dont want him to look like me im hideous.
I love him as my own and raised him with wes since before he was one. His bio mom just came back into his life.. And i feel like im slowly being pushed out.
Huh how sad is it that the only thing that has kept me calm during this is knowing that she is a fat cow.
She talks abt wes as if they are still inlove. And she says things about jayden now.. Like shes happy he lives with me and wes cus we r stable and she thinks im soo pretty and so thin and my clothes so cute... Thats why she didnt want to come around jayden for a year.
I replaced her... She says.
She however left wes after cheating with his best friend and other guys. Got jayden taken from her from cps because he had bruises on him and she was homeless.
Got visitation back and went almost two months without seeing him and then jayden started saying she hurts him and he wud come back home from visits with bruises. Now after 6 months of drama its settled so it seems.
Shes allowed 64 hrs a month of visitation no over night visits and shared hollidays. Jayden is no longer scared of her which seriously is all i wanted. Im glad she seems to be turning herself around.. For his sake.
On the otherhand now it seems as though she wants my hubby too. She started dressing like me doing her hair like me got the same phone as me. Haha she even has taken up running. She told me today she wants my body so she wants to workout with me cus i look good...
I wont tell her my secret though.. Hopefully that will keep her fat.
I know im crazy and just sound like a jealous insecure girl.. But i am. This is all too hard.
I shouldnt have to deal with my husbands ex all the time. And i constant feel compared to her. His family makes comments abt how she never did what i do.. Or how im a better mom. And wes says so too.. Ur do more for jay then she ever has or u make me happier than her or ur prettier smarter better. I dont wanna hear i dont wanna think it i dont wanna deal with it.
Idk....
I lie... I make bad descisions... I have done bad things and made many mistakes in my past. I pretend to be happy i pretend i care i pretend i dont. Im a fake. I am pathetic.

I have not gotten out of bed except once today.
Its after 3 and im still here.
Im seriously contemplating taking pills smoking weed drinking a beer and never waking up.

Im about to finish my demo cd film my first music video and hopefully have all my dreams come true.
But id rather not wake up again to face it and see it through.
Cutting puking starving it isnt helping anymore.. It eases it yes but i have a dark monster living in my chest putting pressure on my heart and i need to rid it.

Whats left when u hate ur apperance outside... And hate who u are within?

Adhd

I seriously need to tell my physcologist i need new pills.
I play up the ditzy girl thing a little well.
Sometimes my mind is racing and i cant slow it down enough to carry a coversation with people.
Normally i just giggle and nod and have no idea what they are saying.
Yesterday we had a family kickball game and a bbq.
Everyones voices were so loud and talking talking talking. Asking questions. How are you. How are you. Need help. Can i do anything. How are you?
Im fucking losing it thats how i am.
I didnt go to sunday brunch with wes' family cus i was scared id eat.
They chose my favorite restaurant. The best part is when he asked why i wudnt go i said so i could stay home and pick up dog crap from the backyard so when our parents and siblings came over they wudnt have to smell it.
He said i know its cus u dont want to eat.
He asked me a few times to go but when i started to clean and began acting as if he wasnt leaving he just kissed me sweatly said i love u and left.
I spent 4 hrs thinking of the food he was eating while he was gone. It sickened me and excited me
Sooo i cleaned i really cleaned the yard it was hot and i wanted to sweat.
When everyone arrived at our home for the game i wanted to walk to the park cus i knew id have to eat dinner. No one wud walk with me.
I ran around alot during the game and decided after an hr to cut out early and walk home.
My step mom walked with me.
We got to my house and shared a bowl. After we were high i realized weed doesnt make me hungry anymore.

At dinner my stupid step brother in law... If thats even a real relative. Told me i eat to much and its ganna show. He had two girls with him and they all laughed at me....
He weighs over 300 lbs and they were not sticks either. And they laughed at me.
I wanted to throw my food at him and tell him i hadnt eaten in over 36 hrs so i cud enjoy a hot dog and snacks with my family and try to pretend for one night im normal so he should shut the fuck up.
Instead i stood there... A 5'4 110 lbs girl holding on to a plate of food and holding back tears.
I stared at the wall and ignored everything around me as i ate. I counted to bites the cuts i made in the hotdogs the drinks of cola i had just to keep from crying.
As soon as i could i snuck to my room and puked it all up.
I threw up so hard my fucken head hurt and there was blood. I wanted to keep puking. I wanted every peice of food out but everyone kept knocking on my door.
I didnt come out until everyone was leaving.

Today i worked out and went shopping....i forgot to mention we are shooting my first music video in two weeks. Im so excited. I am nervous and happy and scared of what it means or that it wont mean anything.
But anyways i went shopping for clothes for the video and walked around for 5 hours. When my friend told me she was ready to leave and she was tired of w*!king i wanted to punch her.
I just wanted to walk walk walk and keep moving burn calories.
I ended up leaving i didnt eat all day until dinner which im sad to say i threw up...
Now that people are starting to notice my not eating i feel like i have too so its the only thing i can do right now.
I wish i didnt have to eat and i dont when i can get away with it but if i want to keep this all for me (my anorexia) and not let anyone take it or try to fix it or make me feel worse for doing it i have to keep them blinde.
Now im sitting on the couch watching skins... The brittish version which i love love love.
I am so infactuated with cassie.. But she scares me i wonder if thats how i am.
Changing the subject when ppl talk not making any sense avoiding food but still somehow obsessing over it.

My throught hurts from puking.. It burns and tickles and still feels dry.
My wrists are healing up nicley and im sure in two days time i wont need the hideously large bracelet to cover it anymore. Just some cover up and no one will notice unless they are looking but my famile will assume they are old from before i got dr and meds... See to them they cured me....
I really want to find someone who does coke... I know random jump in subjects.. But i doo i love being high and it keeps u skinny. Ive nvr tried it but i want too... Problem is this is a shit town and im scared of druggies... Ha but i want to be one.
Well im ranting abt nothing so i should go for tonight.
Think thin thoughts- shrinkingK

Time to catch up

Its been awhile since my last post.
My husband and i found out i was pregnant.
I missed my nov period and assumed it was lack of food...
Its happened before.
Then came moodiness nasuousness and fear.
Im already a mother the child doesnt scare me
Feeding it does.
I began eating. I know the thing growing inside me needed it. It needed me to be stronger than i am.
So i gained 5 lbs... 112 lbs. My dad told me i looked good but could stand to gain more.
My friends stopped looking at me like they were terrified i might crumble if the wind blew. My husband..... Didnt even notice.
The came christmas and as if god himself wanted to play a sick joke on me i began to bled. It lasted one hr and boom nothing.
So i let myself be calmed. Two days later i was puking and shitting and cramping and puking and shitting.
I bled for 8 days straigt.
Im chosing to believe it was never really there. I cant handle thinking something else was taken from me.
Ive been battling food again thoughts of hatred for myself and for everyone basically.
I go to the gym and get sick at the sight of fatasses jogging on treadmills sweating knowing they are probably going to grab a burger on their way home.
There are to girls about my age smaller than me there. I want to cry when i see them.
I would be that small if i didnt spend a month feeding something that didnt exist.

Wes and i have been fighting again.
Ive been smoking alot of weed and snorting a xanax to keep of the munchies...
Ive been wishing i knew someone who did coke.
That way i cud ease my mind my depression without needing to eat.
I have been cutting to again.
My wrists look like zebra print with red lines against my tan skin.
I like to sit and rub across my mutilated arm eyes closed and breathe.
I feel good. Its almost as good as laying in bed counting my exposed bones with cold fingers.
I want to disappear. I want to excape.
I tried to tell wes that im crazy.
He knows after all dr prescribe me meds that are supposed to help but never do.
He told me everyone has a bit of insanity.
Does everyone go days with no food and then eat for hours straight just to puke until they are dizzy and left on the floor feeling empty and releved?
Does everyone feel like pain is built up inside fighting against their skin and the only way to let some out is to slice the very thing that is holding it in?
Does everyone wish that while driving someone hit them, kill them in a fatal car crash? Or that they'd have a heart attack or sesur that would take thier life?
I do.
Im not suicidal... I cud never take my own life. I just wish someone wud take it for me. Maybe then id be free and my family and friends wouldnt have to go on with life wishing they wud have saved me.

I am back on my anorexic journey to find peace and comfort.
See ana is my best friend, she listens when i cant speak and reminds me ill be prettier sweater happier 10lbs smaller.
She is my sheild. Protecting me from pain and diverting my thoughts from the depression to food and how not to eat it.
She is my blanky. The one i had as a child that kept me safe and comforted me when the dark was too and the night to long.
I love ana and i feel like this time around we will have a stronger and deeper love affair then ever. Im 110 lbs. And soon soon i will be 90.