Time to catch up

Its been awhile since my last post.
My husband and i found out i was pregnant.
I missed my nov period and assumed it was lack of food...
Its happened before.
Then came moodiness nasuousness and fear.
Im already a mother the child doesnt scare me
Feeding it does.
I began eating. I know the thing growing inside me needed it. It needed me to be stronger than i am.
So i gained 5 lbs... 112 lbs. My dad told me i looked good but could stand to gain more.
My friends stopped looking at me like they were terrified i might crumble if the wind blew. My husband..... Didnt even notice.
The came christmas and as if god himself wanted to play a sick joke on me i began to bled. It lasted one hr and boom nothing.
So i let myself be calmed. Two days later i was puking and shitting and cramping and puking and shitting.
I bled for 8 days straigt.
Im chosing to believe it was never really there. I cant handle thinking something else was taken from me.
Ive been battling food again thoughts of hatred for myself and for everyone basically.
I go to the gym and get sick at the sight of fatasses jogging on treadmills sweating knowing they are probably going to grab a burger on their way home.
There are to girls about my age smaller than me there. I want to cry when i see them.
I would be that small if i didnt spend a month feeding something that didnt exist.

Wes and i have been fighting again.
Ive been smoking alot of weed and snorting a xanax to keep of the munchies...
Ive been wishing i knew someone who did coke.
That way i cud ease my mind my depression without needing to eat.
I have been cutting to again.
My wrists look like zebra print with red lines against my tan skin.
I like to sit and rub across my mutilated arm eyes closed and breathe.
I feel good. Its almost as good as laying in bed counting my exposed bones with cold fingers.
I want to disappear. I want to excape.
I tried to tell wes that im crazy.
He knows after all dr prescribe me meds that are supposed to help but never do.
He told me everyone has a bit of insanity.
Does everyone go days with no food and then eat for hours straight just to puke until they are dizzy and left on the floor feeling empty and releved?
Does everyone feel like pain is built up inside fighting against their skin and the only way to let some out is to slice the very thing that is holding it in?
Does everyone wish that while driving someone hit them, kill them in a fatal car crash? Or that they'd have a heart attack or sesur that would take thier life?
I do.
Im not suicidal... I cud never take my own life. I just wish someone wud take it for me. Maybe then id be free and my family and friends wouldnt have to go on with life wishing they wud have saved me.

I am back on my anorexic journey to find peace and comfort.
See ana is my best friend, she listens when i cant speak and reminds me ill be prettier sweater happier 10lbs smaller.
She is my sheild. Protecting me from pain and diverting my thoughts from the depression to food and how not to eat it.
She is my blanky. The one i had as a child that kept me safe and comforted me when the dark was too and the night to long.
I love ana and i feel like this time around we will have a stronger and deeper love affair then ever. Im 110 lbs. And soon soon i will be 90.