Adhd

I seriously need to tell my physcologist i need new pills.
I play up the ditzy girl thing a little well.
Sometimes my mind is racing and i cant slow it down enough to carry a coversation with people.
Normally i just giggle and nod and have no idea what they are saying.
Yesterday we had a family kickball game and a bbq.
Everyones voices were so loud and talking talking talking. Asking questions. How are you. How are you. Need help. Can i do anything. How are you?
Im fucking losing it thats how i am.
I didnt go to sunday brunch with wes' family cus i was scared id eat.
They chose my favorite restaurant. The best part is when he asked why i wudnt go i said so i could stay home and pick up dog crap from the backyard so when our parents and siblings came over they wudnt have to smell it.
He said i know its cus u dont want to eat.
He asked me a few times to go but when i started to clean and began acting as if he wasnt leaving he just kissed me sweatly said i love u and left.
I spent 4 hrs thinking of the food he was eating while he was gone. It sickened me and excited me
Sooo i cleaned i really cleaned the yard it was hot and i wanted to sweat.
When everyone arrived at our home for the game i wanted to walk to the park cus i knew id have to eat dinner. No one wud walk with me.
I ran around alot during the game and decided after an hr to cut out early and walk home.
My step mom walked with me.
We got to my house and shared a bowl. After we were high i realized weed doesnt make me hungry anymore.

At dinner my stupid step brother in law... If thats even a real relative. Told me i eat to much and its ganna show. He had two girls with him and they all laughed at me....
He weighs over 300 lbs and they were not sticks either. And they laughed at me.
I wanted to throw my food at him and tell him i hadnt eaten in over 36 hrs so i cud enjoy a hot dog and snacks with my family and try to pretend for one night im normal so he should shut the fuck up.
Instead i stood there... A 5'4 110 lbs girl holding on to a plate of food and holding back tears.
I stared at the wall and ignored everything around me as i ate. I counted to bites the cuts i made in the hotdogs the drinks of cola i had just to keep from crying.
As soon as i could i snuck to my room and puked it all up.
I threw up so hard my fucken head hurt and there was blood. I wanted to keep puking. I wanted every peice of food out but everyone kept knocking on my door.
I didnt come out until everyone was leaving.

Today i worked out and went shopping....i forgot to mention we are shooting my first music video in two weeks. Im so excited. I am nervous and happy and scared of what it means or that it wont mean anything.
But anyways i went shopping for clothes for the video and walked around for 5 hours. When my friend told me she was ready to leave and she was tired of w*!king i wanted to punch her.
I just wanted to walk walk walk and keep moving burn calories.
I ended up leaving i didnt eat all day until dinner which im sad to say i threw up...
Now that people are starting to notice my not eating i feel like i have too so its the only thing i can do right now.
I wish i didnt have to eat and i dont when i can get away with it but if i want to keep this all for me (my anorexia) and not let anyone take it or try to fix it or make me feel worse for doing it i have to keep them blinde.
Now im sitting on the couch watching skins... The brittish version which i love love love.
I am so infactuated with cassie.. But she scares me i wonder if thats how i am.
Changing the subject when ppl talk not making any sense avoiding food but still somehow obsessing over it.

My throught hurts from puking.. It burns and tickles and still feels dry.
My wrists are healing up nicley and im sure in two days time i wont need the hideously large bracelet to cover it anymore. Just some cover up and no one will notice unless they are looking but my famile will assume they are old from before i got dr and meds... See to them they cured me....
I really want to find someone who does coke... I know random jump in subjects.. But i doo i love being high and it keeps u skinny. Ive nvr tried it but i want too... Problem is this is a shit town and im scared of druggies... Ha but i want to be one.
Well im ranting abt nothing so i should go for tonight.
Think thin thoughts- shrinkingK