again..

so last post was super short i thought I heard my Hubby coming in and I really dont need him reading any of this.
The last week has been crazy and left me with no time to post.
On monday i was in the studio all day working on my new demo CD.
It felt so good to get back in there. The first song i recorded was about the first night I met my Husband. It is up on myspace and maybe in a few weeks I'll post the links so u can hear it and give me feed back.

Well while I was there my producer told me i lost so mich weight and looked really good. I was really happy until he added that i was chubby last time he saw me. It was two years ago before i moved away for college and I was 117 Lbs.
I knew i looked gross then but did everything i could to fight the thoughts that hounted me.
So now i am 5'4 and 106 and now I look good enough for TV i guess.
His remark made me want to continue this and become even smaller.
Also my Hubby has been having more sex with me and always wants to hold me and touch me all over.
He keeps telling me not to go so crazy and to eat! but then he makes me feel so sexy in my small body. How can i give that up? On top of it he says my body looks the same as it always has.. so he doesnt even notice that I am almost 10 LBS lighter than i was a month ago...
It only makes me want to lose more.

My Dad and step mom and brother and my two best friends all keep saying I am starting to look sick. They have been telling me for a few weeks that I look 'too thin' as if that is possible.
But I cant help but take their remarks as encouragement and motivation.
It feels good that everyone is noticing my weight loss and that my Hub has been forced to buy me new clothes cus too many of mine are too big.
I am only wearing heels now because I want to show off my legs now.
I actually amm starting to enjoy looking at them.
I still hate my sides and my stomach. I hate my thighs and my back.. I wish i could feel good all over..

On Wed. i couldnt stop crying I was so hungry and home alone.. AGAIN!
i felt like i was at war with myself. half of me wanted to continue to starve and knew what i would think of myself if i ate.. the other half wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on.
I told my hubs i think i have a problem.. and he told me i am making a mountain out of an ant hill.. so he obviously does not think I am too thin and could stand to lose a little more weight.
I took his reaction or lack there of as a sign to keep going and find my own personal perfection. Not to worry about everyone else's concerns. If the man i sleep with everynight, see everyday, spend more time with than anyone else, the man who knows i go days without eating now, that when i do eat i only allow myself 100 calories a day, if he doesnt think I have a problem... than i dont.
Thanksgiving as i sad was a disaster.. i ate tooooo much and when i got home i stared at myself in the mirror and cried. My stomach was huge my legs were gross and i felt itchy and sick in my skin. I wanted to get out of myself.
All day everyone kept commenting on my size and how i am getting too small. My hubbys family kept telling me to eat more.. even though i ate three plates. My family kept saying I look sick and all the people at dinner who i never met before just made comments about how beautiful I was to my husband.
Idk.. part of me liked it and part of me wished i could not care about what they said.

Well I have become addicted to coke zero now.. so good!!!
and desert flavored suger free gum.. the mint and chip ice cream is my favorite :)
Well i am off to read everyone else's post and get more encouragement to get thin!