Right now

I am feeling really good.
I just got back from a run with Bella my beautiful German Sheppard that my Husband bought me so he wont worry when i run alone.
Yesterday she did 3 miles with me and wanted to do more I love it!
i feel like she will help push me and keep me on track with everything.
Today we only did 2 miles though because I am on a fast.
I dont know what the fuck happened but I jumped back to 108 lbs.
Maybe my scale is on crack or maybe its from allowing myself to eat and purge and i wasnt getting enough back out.
Well i am on a three day fast.. or maybe 5 depends on how long it takes to get down to 106 again.. when i am there I will go back to my regular schedule of eating 300 cals a day.
I dont know if i updated and told you all that i had to go from 100 cals to 300 because i was getting really sick and my headaches wouldnt stop..
so if my math is right i will still be at 100 lbs on jan 1st.
Today i did Yoga and i love it.. i started the 21 day bikini revolution from elle a few weeks ago and i really see the changes.
Everyone seems too except.. Wes (that is my husband)
IDk why he doesnt see them.. maybe they are not really there.
I guess his ignorance helps me want to keep pushing and becoming perfect.
Well I have to go cook him dinner now..

another day.. another pound.

I am only one Lbs lighter.
I am now 105.8 lbs.
It sucks I stayed 106 for about a week.
I think it was because of my working out so I have decided i really need to cut it down.
I am still going to do yoga every day but instead of doing abs and legs palitis and running I am going to alternate days with them.

It has been so cold here lately so running is actually going to be out of teh picture soon.With my lung problems its hard wnough to breath in cold weather and i cant add to it by running.
I have been jogging in place for an hour while I watch TV for last two days since its been so cold but i never feel like that helps.

Yesterday I did not eat anything i was on the couch all day and felt like a sick slob. I was sick.. actually.
I woke up with a killer headach and my stomach felt like i got kicked repeatedly in my sleep.
On friday i did not eat at all and then Saturday I didnt eat until about 6 o clock and i guess i sort of binged..
I had pizza and brownies and some mac and cheese.. I was able to puke it up since my Husband was working.
I dont like making myself puke.. i much rather not eat but lately i have been so tempted and so weak..
I wish sometimes that I could just eat normally.. but when i allow myself something I cant stop until I eat everything that looks good and my tummy hurts that i have to puke..
Even after i puke I get the thoughts..
I think about how fat I am, i think about how gross I look, and will look if ever eat how most people do. I think about my family and how they look and weigh... it scares me.
I think about My husbands ex who is ALWAYS coming around.. I think about how gorgeous she is and that the only thing i have over her is that she is fat and I am smaller.. She is really Fat.. like sometimes i cant look at her because it makes my stomach turn. SHe used to small like I am but she let herself go and I am afraid if i ever look like her My husbandw ill have no reason to want me.. and maybe he will want her back or maybe he will just leave me for some new skinny bitch.
I think about how I want to look in mirrior and like what i see not stare at the places where fat has gathered...
I just know that with each bite of food I eat I am making myself ugly and less attractive..
I just wish i could go back to the days when i  could eat and not hate myself..
I think if i tried i could do it for a day or two.. but then i would just end up even more mad at myself for letting myself eat and look disgusting...
I wonder if when i am 100 LBs if Ill like myslef then or if ill just want to be smaller... I wonder when Ill be able to eat with friends and not throw up.. or not obsess over calorie intake and how much i will have to excercise to work it off if i dont want to puke..
I dont know what would be easier to face the thoughts and force myself to eat or to keep doing what I am doing??
I know deep down that I am not ready to change. I have been through this before and I wouldnt be back to this place if i was.
I just wish I could be smaller right now so I'd know..
well 5 LBs to go.. i know i wont reach it by the 1st like i entended to before so i have extended it to januray 1st.
5 Lbs in 5  weeks...
that is reasonable.. espeacially since i cant really run.
well i am going to go christmas shopping right now..
we are hosting christmas eve at our home this year and im soooo excited to have everyone here so see what I am putting together.

I am setting up tables in the dinning room for all the food and in the living room will be the big tree and tables for gifts. I think i might turn to second guest room into a sitting area too.. We have three bedrooms in our home and right now the guest room has a couch and Tv but i think i will decorate it as well so people can be in there too..
My hubby already put up the xmas lights and i decorated the fireplace already.. christmas is my favorite holliday so i am soooo excited!!!!

again..

so last post was super short i thought I heard my Hubby coming in and I really dont need him reading any of this.
The last week has been crazy and left me with no time to post.
On monday i was in the studio all day working on my new demo CD.
It felt so good to get back in there. The first song i recorded was about the first night I met my Husband. It is up on myspace and maybe in a few weeks I'll post the links so u can hear it and give me feed back.

Well while I was there my producer told me i lost so mich weight and looked really good. I was really happy until he added that i was chubby last time he saw me. It was two years ago before i moved away for college and I was 117 Lbs.
I knew i looked gross then but did everything i could to fight the thoughts that hounted me.
So now i am 5'4 and 106 and now I look good enough for TV i guess.
His remark made me want to continue this and become even smaller.
Also my Hubby has been having more sex with me and always wants to hold me and touch me all over.
He keeps telling me not to go so crazy and to eat! but then he makes me feel so sexy in my small body. How can i give that up? On top of it he says my body looks the same as it always has.. so he doesnt even notice that I am almost 10 LBS lighter than i was a month ago...
It only makes me want to lose more.

My Dad and step mom and brother and my two best friends all keep saying I am starting to look sick. They have been telling me for a few weeks that I look 'too thin' as if that is possible.
But I cant help but take their remarks as encouragement and motivation.
It feels good that everyone is noticing my weight loss and that my Hub has been forced to buy me new clothes cus too many of mine are too big.
I am only wearing heels now because I want to show off my legs now.
I actually amm starting to enjoy looking at them.
I still hate my sides and my stomach. I hate my thighs and my back.. I wish i could feel good all over..

On Wed. i couldnt stop crying I was so hungry and home alone.. AGAIN!
i felt like i was at war with myself. half of me wanted to continue to starve and knew what i would think of myself if i ate.. the other half wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on.
I told my hubs i think i have a problem.. and he told me i am making a mountain out of an ant hill.. so he obviously does not think I am too thin and could stand to lose a little more weight.
I took his reaction or lack there of as a sign to keep going and find my own personal perfection. Not to worry about everyone else's concerns. If the man i sleep with everynight, see everyday, spend more time with than anyone else, the man who knows i go days without eating now, that when i do eat i only allow myself 100 calories a day, if he doesnt think I have a problem... than i dont.
Thanksgiving as i sad was a disaster.. i ate tooooo much and when i got home i stared at myself in the mirror and cried. My stomach was huge my legs were gross and i felt itchy and sick in my skin. I wanted to get out of myself.
All day everyone kept commenting on my size and how i am getting too small. My hubbys family kept telling me to eat more.. even though i ate three plates. My family kept saying I look sick and all the people at dinner who i never met before just made comments about how beautiful I was to my husband.
Idk.. part of me liked it and part of me wished i could not care about what they said.

Well I have become addicted to coke zero now.. so good!!!
and desert flavored suger free gum.. the mint and chip ice cream is my favorite :)
Well i am off to read everyone else's post and get more encouragement to get thin!

after thanksgiving horror

so I did so bad yesterday.
I ate more than i entended too.
I am so mad at myself. I stayed in bed all day today.
I am making up for it and going on a 5 day fast.
I have been food free for over 24 hrs already and my tummy is rumbly and i love it!!
I cant wait to see ho wi feel tomorrow :)

A few pounds later

So i am now 106.8 LBS
I am so happy that I am losing weight so drastially. I am starting to think possibly my scale is broken because I dont know how i lost two lbs in three days. But it feels really good knowing i did.
It is getting easier turning down food now. My Hubby has realized that I am shrinking and that I am no longer interested in eating 'normal foods' so he doesnt pressure me.
I think he really likes what I am starting to become. He tells me I am too obsessive and he acts mad that after I eat my small meals (always perfectly measured to be no more than 100 cals) once a day i have to work out. He keeps telling me to calm down and that I am beautiful but now when we lay in bed he holds me tight and he runs his fingers across my hip bones and down my spine and last night while he had sex he kissed my ribs.
This is motivating me even more to stay on track.
Up until last week we had sex maybe once a week and i would have to beg him for attention.
Now he is constanlty holding me,kissing me and wanting to be with me.
I know he loves the way i look, and that he would love me even more if i was even smaller so i just keep that thought in my head when i see food.
It is even getting easier cooking. I am a housewife now so I cook him lunch and dinner and its not hard to keep myself from tasting it anymore.
Last night i made him pasta and while he ate i cleaned the fridge out.
Its good to keep occupied while food is around.
On friday I didnt eat because I really wanted to have a slice of pizza from chuck e cheese. we took our son there with some family and friends.
Even though I hadnt eaten in almost two whole days I wasnt even tempted to touch the pizza.
Instead i ate some carrots and cottage cheese when i got home.
I was so proud of myself.
I found a new and easy way to supress my headachs and hunger which is coffee.
I have always hated it but now its like the gas in my fuel tank.
I bought
****sugar free vanilla flavoring (0 cals)
**** maxwell house coffee (0 cals)
**** 0 cal sweetner
and i have to use non fat milk cus the coffee taste still makes me sick.
But i only 1/8 cup so it 20 cals per glass.
I am hoping to slowly start to like the taste of coffee so i can get off the milk.


I have cut down on my running but i feel so sick and disgusting. I like the burn in my legs and the sweat. I like knowing that i am working off calories my body doesnt even have.
I have not stopped working out copmletely but i have switched it up.
I alternate days of running and days of aerobics.
I do yoga, crunches and my buns and thighs everyday still.
I am doing a striptease aerobics workout that burns 300 cals per work out and its sooo much fun!
I feel sexy and pretty when i see the other girls with fat hanging over their spandex and i look down and see none on me!

Last night my hubby took me shopping because he noticed all of my clothes are getting to big.
I am now have to buy 23 inch jeans at forever 21 and i am sooo happy!!! last time i bought some i was a 25 and i skipped over 24 completely!
He got me a few new shirts and some work out pants too!! then we went to the grocery store and i bought his pasta and some food for me. (i didnt eat yesterday though)

Well my goal weight is closer everyday and i am happier everyday.

New goals

I know i shoulld probably wait until i reach my goal weight but i like pushing myself so i am adding another two lbs to my goal.
I decided 102 is weird and not even enough so 100 is the goal.
I have almost exactly 3 weeks to lose 8 lbs. I think i can do it.
Today the scale says 108.3 so if i keep up my mind set i know i can do it.
Im already dreading next thursday. I cought myself staring at the calender wishing the 25th wud just disappear. I know i wont be able to get away with not eating. And i wont be able to purge... I am going to complain the night before of a stamach ache and spend awhile in the bathroom so that when i only eat a small portion no one will question me.
I am doing a 48 hour fast before incase i lose control and eat more than the 700 calories im allowing myself for that day.
I already know what my plate will look like. Having a plan before will help me keep from going crazy. I will have two small slices of turkey 10 greenbean and two tablespoons of mash potatoes. No gravy. I might let myself have pie... I love it and if i think i deserve it will give in.
Yesterday i only had 82.5 callories. I am doing so much better at measuring my portions perfectly.
I ran 3 miles and walked another one.
I didnt do alot of sit ups and i was really mad at myself. I had to pull over when i was driving cus i got sick...
I think im overworking my body but it feels so good.

What i ate.
* half a small apple no skin (32.5)
* one piece of wheat fiber bread (25)
Topped with .8 cup of no fat cottage cheese(17) and two teaspoons of salsa (10)

Yesterday

I ran d miles and did arnd 300 crunches i shoveled and swept the back yard and i did 20 minutes of yoga.
I would sit still. I exercized while i watch tv. I went grocery shopping and only bought food less that 100 cals a serving. When i come off my fast tmrw i wanted to be prepared so i dont just eat anything i have.
My husband and i almost split up. We faught and i packed all my things and he told me to leave. I kept trying to but he wudnt let me he just kept fighting.
I know now it was his stuborn way of keeping me.
He told me how pretty and perfect i look and i broke down.
I dont see that. I dont feel that and i felt like he was lying to me.
Well we decided on couceling and trying to work through our problems.
My friend T told me if i dont stop being so weight obsessed that she is going to tell my hubby and dad that i am anorexic.
Ive never told her that but she always knows my flaws.
I told her i would stop because i dont want to lose my ANA not right now.
Im just starting to feel good.
I am down to 110 and my body fat is 13 % still a bit high for me even though its in the dangerously low percentile.

I still want to get to 102 well actually i think ive decided on 100 now... 102 is only 8 lbs away.
Well i am 15 lbs under what drs say should be my perfect weight. But i think i wud cry if i ever weighed 125.
I need to run now i feel like a fat lard i havent done anything all morning.

111 feeling like heaven

I am 111.6 lbs and im feeling amazing! That means i am only 9 lbs shy of my weight goal!! Hoping to be 102 :) i am so happy right now!!
my current BMI is 19.2. Ahhh thats still too high but i am working on it.
Even though i was on a fast i broke it and had 4 bites of a turkey sandwich.
I felt like reward was needed. I weighed myself after and im still the same. I am going to run for half hour right now so i wont feel guilty!
Plus is sex night with the hubby and a 20 minute sex sezzion burns about 200 cals. So i wont feel too bad about cheating!
But i am back on my fast no food until thursday unless my hubby gets all crazy!
Well im off to work out... Again

One of those days...

I can already tell today is going to be one of those days i have post 100 blogs to keep from eating.
I went 75 hours of no food and the last two days i have had to eat cause my husband took me to dinner and i was with friends. Luckily i have been able to purge the majority of my intake. As of 6:20 last night nothing but a few sips of water have entered my body.
I ran 3 miles today and will soon begin my situps while i watch some tv.
My tummys growling and i love it! I cant describe the amazing feeling hunger gives me.
I am home alone until 9 and i feel the fridge moaking me, telling me its full and all i have to do is walk my fat ass over there to get some of the goodies it has inside. i will not though.. i will stay strong and become small. i dont like how sick i felt when i ate yesterday or saturday and i wont do that to myself again.
well i will be back later to update and distract myself from food...
BTW i WILL BE JOING MARSH.SARA ON HER 10 DAY RESTRICTING AND WORKOUTS... u all shud too.

Sick sick disappointing me..

I am fat fat fat!!
I dont think ill be able to sleep tonight. I am so uncomfortable in my chub!
I ate today.. First it was cereal 160 cals.
Next i binged.. Chicken nugs and chips which i puked. I ran 5 miles today did 400 sit ups 10 min buns and thighs and i still feel so fat!
My husband surprised me with date night. He took me to dinner. I ate a salad.. They had no low cal or fat free dressing.
By the time my meal was infront of me i was so sick. I was itching and felt like i couldnt breathe.
I didnt want to be in that booth with a plate of fattening food laughing at me.
I couldnt not eat, my hub is starting to worry i think. So i ate half of a half of a turkey sandwhich. I talked alot to take the attention off my plate.
I picked apart the other half and smooshed some french fries and threw some more on the floor.
I forced myself to drink two lemonades so i had an excuse to use the bathroom.
I got the food out but it wasnt fast enough. I still feel gross and fat.
I am 24 inches arnd the waste.. I want to bbe 14 i think. Maybe for now.
I miss the starving feeling in my belly. I miss my woozy air filled head. I want to hungry and i cant be if everyone is trying to get me to eat with them!
So i am fasting now.. Until thursday. I need to be hungry now.. And im not.
Ahhh

I dont know if i should stay

I dont know if i should end my fast tonight.... Ive only been without food for 73 hours and i could probably get away with not eating until tomorrow night.
My friend is coming over right now and i feel the strong need to binge.
I can eat spagetti and mac and cheese and i baked cookies and i have chips and onion dip and i really want a chilli dog!!
I would do it eat it all but im afraid the my friend will not allow me to purge.
She is bullimic and is a year and a half free of binging and purging but shes been telling me that she is in fear of relapse.
Im a horrible friend cus part of me wants her too. That way i wont be completly alone in this...
I want a friend who motivates me and keeps me from giving into food.
Ahh but i love her and dont want her to be caught in this cycle...
Today i realized i need to go shopping all my clothes are big big big!
My size zero jeans hang and i keep pulling them up.
I love it but i still want to be thinner. I want to see my ribs above my boobs... Still isnt happening yet.
I think it will in a few more weeks.
Well i gotta decide soon if i shall go another 24 food free or give in and puke it all away..

Wishful thinking

So last night my hubby walked in on mr purging the ojay i drank. Thank god hes so clueless to what im actually doing. I just blamed it on an upset tummy.
As of right now i am 52 hrs food free. I had 160 cals today because he brought me frapaccino and i tried turning it down but i was still a little worried he might catch on.
today i got really nervous when we went grocery shopping. i couldnt get out of there fast enough.
he wanted to eat pizza while we were out and i was dreading it.
its really hard for me to purge when im not in the comfort of my own home. it was the only thing on mind. i obviously couldnt skip dinner because he tried to get me to eat lunch twice. i was afraid if i turned down pizza he would get suspicious.
well crisis averted i was able to talk him into letting me cook. i figured id have to eat but at least i could puke after.
well as if God himself wanted me to finish my fast we had guest who distracted my hubby for hal the night so he didnt even noticed i never ate the spagetti.
i want to buy a food scale so i know exactly how much my fruit and veggies weigh so i can be as accurate with my cal counting as i can be
i still have another 20 hrs left in the fast and tmrw will be easy seeing as how my hubby works from 11 until 9. i think i might hold out until sunday just cus i can.
my stomach doesnt even hurt today!!
i worked out and i just feel alive alive alive!
i power walked 2.5 mls did 250 crunches and two sets of 10 min buns and thigh work outs.
i feel good good good!
well i should try and sleep a little. ive been writing a memoir of how i got to where i am today and my eyes hurt from staring at a screen.
idk why i think i should sleep im turning into an insomniac!
i wake up like every hour... after i take at least an hour to wind down and fall asleep.
oh well heres to wishful thinking.

Ever so sweet, you baked it in cake for me.

I feel so good righ now! I went a whole 48 hours without no food! I ate just 4 glasses of water the whole time!! I am mad that i broke the fast by eating a freaking chilli dog!! Im pissed! But i was able to purge it so i guess that makes up for it. Yesterday i ate one small meal with the husband but i made up for it because now im back on a fast. Its been over 31 hours since ive allowed myself food. I drank 5 glasses of oj and quickly threw up when i read i was consuming 160 cal a glass. GROSS!!! So tomorrows a new day im hoping my body will look smaller and that i can go 72 hours without food this time. Wish me luck :)

Let me introduce myself.

11-8-10

I will start by saying even though my journal is Pro-Ana I do not support those without an ED to try to have one. This is a place for those of us who do, or those who know people how do, to feel like they are not alone.
I have tried in the past to share how I am feeling and why I do the things I do with family and friends. They do not understand and I feel even more alone and stupid for talking. So this is my safe place. My place to come and vent and talk about everything that I can not speak to the people around me about.

I am 20 years old and became bulimic when I was 12.
After dealing with it for two years my family made me get help.
Instead of dealing with the emotion and problems behind my Ed, I just found a new way to rid myself of the pain. I was a cutter or (SI) for four years. I loved the rush of a razor to my skin. The warm blood dripping off my body. I have since married and found strength in my husband. I know that now my body is not mine alone but his as well. I have refrained from cutting for almost two years and never plan on going back.
Recently my life has been spinning out of control.
I am losing the ground I walk on and need to find peace in myself.
I have befriended Ana again.
For the past 3 weeks I have been slowly falling into my old eating habits.
I only allow myself one meal a day. A small portion at that.
I did a 3 day fast which i broke it was supposed to be a week.
I was made at myself for this.
I just finished a purge routine that I will not allow myself to get into.
I hate allowing myself the food/ I am not MIA. anymore.
It has now been 24 hours since i have ate or drank and I'm trying to go 48.
I will continue to do only liquids after that for 5 days.
Then i will be on a strict 700 cal. a day diet and making sure that i burn at least 800 to be safe.
As of right now I am 6 Lbs underweight and my goal is 20.
Short term goal is by Thanksgiving I want to be 15. I have three weeks to lose 9 Lbs so I am hoping I can do it.
My husband works mostly evenings so I am able to get away with not eating most days.
I have been sleeping in to avoid breakfast and lunch and he is gone by dinner.
My family and close friends have noticed that i am smaller but they are not to concerned yet.
My Hubby doesn't know about my former ED so he will be easy to fool for a while.


I have never been overweight.
 I was always the tall thin one of my family
I hope this never will change.