Today, tomorrow, who gives a fuck.

Sooo weird morning.
First thought i had when i woke up was i dont like i wanna be here anymore.
I laid in bed for an hour thinking about killing myself.
I dont know if i am ever going to but the thought seems nice today.
I cant handle being in my skin anymore.
I hate my body... The way my thighs just wont shrink.
I hate my face... Its just boring and plain.
I hate my skin... I stare in the mirrior for ever looking at the disgusting marks my lupus has given me.
I hate my hair... I wish it was long and smooth... I spend hours straightening it coloring it teasing it curling it and i still feel like i have a nappy gros afro.
I hate my breast... Constantly changing changing. Small large swollen and sore.
I hate my legs... Not long enough not thin enough.
I hate me arms... Flab flab flab.
I hate my stomach... Discolored and fat. Its too big. I dont eat and when i do i purge it yet somehow its still big.
I hate my back.. I can grab skin.. Or fat with my fingers. I pinch it hard until it my fingers hurt.
I hate me... Unhappy ugly fat and i know im a bad wife and mother.
Wes is always mad at me. We fight. Im lazy he says.. I cant pull myself to get out of bed. I lay in it for hours while he is gone. He says all i do is work out make music and hang out with friends. He doesnt get why i dont cook anymore or why doing dishes makes my skin crawl.
I try with our son so badly but how can i be a good example when im like this. How can i teach him to love himself when i dont. How will he ever know truth and happiness when i lie and cry and fight and hate myself.
Im 20 years old married to an amazing man. Mother to a beautiful boy and i cant be happy.
I thank god alot that jayden... Our son is biologically mine i dont want him to look like me im hideous.
I love him as my own and raised him with wes since before he was one. His bio mom just came back into his life.. And i feel like im slowly being pushed out.
Huh how sad is it that the only thing that has kept me calm during this is knowing that she is a fat cow.
She talks abt wes as if they are still inlove. And she says things about jayden now.. Like shes happy he lives with me and wes cus we r stable and she thinks im soo pretty and so thin and my clothes so cute... Thats why she didnt want to come around jayden for a year.
I replaced her... She says.
She however left wes after cheating with his best friend and other guys. Got jayden taken from her from cps because he had bruises on him and she was homeless.
Got visitation back and went almost two months without seeing him and then jayden started saying she hurts him and he wud come back home from visits with bruises. Now after 6 months of drama its settled so it seems.
Shes allowed 64 hrs a month of visitation no over night visits and shared hollidays. Jayden is no longer scared of her which seriously is all i wanted. Im glad she seems to be turning herself around.. For his sake.
On the otherhand now it seems as though she wants my hubby too. She started dressing like me doing her hair like me got the same phone as me. Haha she even has taken up running. She told me today she wants my body so she wants to workout with me cus i look good...
I wont tell her my secret though.. Hopefully that will keep her fat.
I know im crazy and just sound like a jealous insecure girl.. But i am. This is all too hard.
I shouldnt have to deal with my husbands ex all the time. And i constant feel compared to her. His family makes comments abt how she never did what i do.. Or how im a better mom. And wes says so too.. Ur do more for jay then she ever has or u make me happier than her or ur prettier smarter better. I dont wanna hear i dont wanna think it i dont wanna deal with it.
Idk....
I lie... I make bad descisions... I have done bad things and made many mistakes in my past. I pretend to be happy i pretend i care i pretend i dont. Im a fake. I am pathetic.

I have not gotten out of bed except once today.
Its after 3 and im still here.
Im seriously contemplating taking pills smoking weed drinking a beer and never waking up.

Im about to finish my demo cd film my first music video and hopefully have all my dreams come true.
But id rather not wake up again to face it and see it through.
Cutting puking starving it isnt helping anymore.. It eases it yes but i have a dark monster living in my chest putting pressure on my heart and i need to rid it.

Whats left when u hate ur apperance outside... And hate who u are within?