in the last 8 months I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy.
I actually spent the last part of pregnancy not caring that I had balloned to 146.7 lbs.
I thought I'd be able to maintain my health and not go back to the secret life I had before, but that was quickly shattered.
My Husband was cheating and I found out 5 days after giving birth. Details way to painful to include at this moment.
For a week he actually was with the girl and took our kids around her and did not want me anymore...
Depression: Its a weird thing. How I can feel so crappy and start looking so good. I Lost 20 lbs. in the first three weeks after having the baby. I couldnt eat. I actually went 13 days on water and picking at small salads.
Awakening: The weight was gone, and then he wanted me back....
Conclusion: I will NEVER get fat again!!!!!
I have been breast feeding for the last 5 months so I have been trying to not go over board with my obsession, but I realized the only time I am not thinking about how I hate my husband and what he did is when I am worried about the caloric intake of the day.
Slowly I have slipped back into my old, comforting habits.
Slowly I am falling inlove with my husband again.
Slowly I am finding my body more and more disgusting.
I know if it was not for my sons I would not be here. Not with my Husband, not in the world at all probably.
I know I have to be here for them, but I feel too apart of the world. Like I am taking up too much space..
I havent weighed myself in three weeks and the last time I did I was 113.
Tomorrow the scale comes out of storage, and so begins my journey to a healthy and beautiful weight.
Goal 1-102 LBS. By April 1st.
I want to love my body and gain my confedence, some sort of self adorance verses the loathing I have now.
Sooo Day 1 food log:
- 1 cup spinach salad ( No dressing) .25 tomato and 3 slices of celery
- 8 0z. Diet Cranberry juice
- Fruit and veggie smoothie ( three snap peas- .25 banana - 5 black berries- 2 strawberries)
- 1 cup of coffee ( sugar and creamer)
I have so much on my mind, this is probably the best place and best way to sift through it all and figure out where to go from here.
I thought my life was planned and secure. Now I know its not and the things I so firmly believed have been uprooted.
I am not sure I love my Husband, or want to be married.
I am not sure i am where I am meant to be anymore....
I know I am a Mother and want to, need to be and am a good mother.
My Kids are my world, and I am trying to figure out if I can be the mother I want to be and give them the life they deserve married to their father....
so many fucking thoughts jumping to my fingertips.. I probably sound crazy..
I am.
Well..
So goes another day in the life of me...
