Blah blah blah

Soo... Still fighting the thought. Stupid fucking nurse.. I was doing good and loving being able to see my baby growing and somehow her words have turn Blake's bump into something hideous.
the weirdest thing is that everyone i know.. even people who dont know about my eating disorder keep saying how small i look.
and that i have not started to show at all.. so why do i see big thighs fatty back and beastly stomach?
is it really just my head...
i feel crazy.
well since last week ive been restricting..
not fasting just counting counting counting..
on easter i turned into some sort of wild animal and ate so much ham and greenbeans and potatoes i almost died.

monday i ate pretty good two small slices of veggie pizza on whole wheat flatbread
and for dinner i ate a cup and a half of veggies chicken and noodles.
today i had yogurt and fruit for brkfast a few bits of my left over chicken and veggies.. but i went for a walk on my lunch break so i didnt eat very much. and dinner i ate a tuna sandwhich with spinach green peppers olives tomato and cucumber on herb wheat bread...
i went for a half hour walk after...
i did however come home and eat more tuna..
which ended with me in the bathroom puking..
im crazy but i tried to judge the amount so that it was just the second sandwich i let up...
now i feel like the worse mother alive... i love Blake.. i really do. so tomorrow i will eat for him... i really will.
im supposed to be consuming 3000 cals a day..
idk how im supposed to do that i barely handle 1500 without needing to cry...
6 meals a day... i think 3 small ones is okay for now...
ahhh my mind wont stop...

Its been a while.....

Its been a few months since ive posted because i have been scared too...

I am now almost 5 months pregnant and was trying to do all i could to keep out of my anorexic mind set for the sake of my little alien...

I am carrying a healthy baby boy who will be named Blake andrew... i love him so muc and the love i have for him has been making me eat.

well my family is now aware of my relapse into my ed... my husband knows now and i felt so ashamed and scared that they would take it away forever.
i am not allowed to work out and have been eating to help my blake and now i sit at my desk at work a disgusting 117 lbs.
i want to die....
i keep having to run to the bathroom and cry...
im so upset....
and no one gets it.
i have not even started to show really but i see these lbs and they make me sick.

i need some help...
the only thing that has eased my mind is the thought of holding blake and knowing my ana will be back in full force in a few months...

that was until today.. i caught myself already planning my fast after labor and then calculating how long it will take to get to 106 lbs and then where my goal will be from there...
ive set my sights on a goal of 98. that seems alright for now..

the hard thing is today and tmrw and everyday until sept. and i cant do this.

i have fallen from my high horse and landed dead center on a scale that yells im fat.
im going to try and keep my weight gain to 10 lbs over the next four and a half months... and when i total how mush the scale will say then i already want to cry.

so here it goes the pregnant anorexic and her journey...

may 4 - no more than 118.6
a lbs every two weeks.. that is half of what i shud be doing.

funny a few months ago i was dropping two lbs a week...
this is a sick fucking twisted world.... or at least it is where im sitting.